Facebook brought me news of a death yesterday, a friend from high school. It hit me hard, harder than I would have thought considering I had not seen or heard from her in over 50 years. She was a bright light from my high school years, someone I considered one of my best friends.
I don’t often dream of people, but, over the years, I occasionally dreamed of her and those dreams had a special quality. They were like reunions. I would always awaken with a joy of reconnection as well as a mourning of the lost friendship. We were separated the summer before our senior year when both of our families moved. We wrote for awhile, but those were the days before Facebook, and eventually life separated us and the tie was broken.
I tried to reconnect a few times over the years but met with unspoken rejection. For a multitude of reasons, I took it personally. This morning I poured my feelings of being unloved, unwanted, rejected into an Evernote file until the Four Agreements shouted: Stop the pity party!
The conversation continued: Yes, you were rejected by someone you once loved. Yes, that person didn’t approve of the way you lived your life. Yes, she’s now dead and you will never be reconnected in this life. Yes, she was hard-hearted toward you. And, yes, you’ve probably been equally hard-hearted toward someone who loved you. She was human. You’re human. People aren’t perfect. You’re still alive … try to do better. Keep your own heart soft. Be kind to yourself and others.Remember: Don’t take anything personally!
All right already.
So sorry that you have lost someone that was very dear to you in your early years. Even with the separation, I understand some of what you are feeling. I learned recently that a boy I dated in HS, our class valedictorian, Rhodes scholar, great lawyer, died last Sept. It hits home because of your memories of a relationship that used to be....and also because it's a reminder that we are in the same age bracket....and that life is NOT forever. And, yes, I also relate to the need to speak sternly to one's self, to accept the past and move on with more wisdom, maybe...hopefully. and with an eye to making each day a good one...the best we can make it....with love, compassion, tenderness, and accepting our own selves for being as good as we can be....but never perfect. Know that you are super special to me...that you have touched my life...and that I feel fortunate to be able to stay in contact with you, as you move about, seeking your own best life. Much love, Judy
ReplyDeleteJudy ... thanks for your sweet note and your friendship. I hope Richard knows what a good thing he did bringing us together. Life is definitely an interesting and endless series of lessons ... and they all seem to boil down to love ... loving each other as well as ourselves. much love back to you ... joyce
ReplyDeleteYes, It is still hard. I have a special friend from 3 rd grade. we reconnected thru quilting. I don't see her often anymore, but thankfully, we keep in weekly conversation. She is a blessing. I can understand your loss and yes, we learn lessons from heart ache. too bad lessons are not more easily recognized. blessings
ReplyDeleteThanks Viv ... those childhood friends are unique and special. They hold a part of our history that is rapidly being washed away. May we recognize the blessings sooner.
ReplyDelete