Disappearing Needs

I am in the midst of a telecourse titled, "Calling in the One."  It is about attracting, rather than finding, love.  I signed up for it because I realized that somewhere along the way I missed the boat. 

I've worked hard to create things in my life, believing that working hard is a pre-requisite for success.  And, I've worked hard to be whatever I thought life wanted from me.  I'm a flexible person so it was never a really big deal to go that way instead of this way.  I'm a generous person so I liked giving people what they wanted.  I'm a caring person so I tried to understand people's needs and find a way to meet them.

Last night, while listening to the Week 5 session, I had two insights:  1.  I'm not as flexible, generous and caring as I thought I was; I've been simply trying to "buy" love.  2.  I've hidden my needs from people (primarily the men in my life) in my attempts to take care of theirs, and thus took away their opportunities to show me their own flexible, generous and caring natures.  By not honoring my own needs and wants, I created exactly what I didn't want and was then confused by the outcome.  The boat I missed was understanding that it is OK to have needs and wants ... and OK to honor them and actually put as much energy into meeting them and loving them as I would if they were someone else's needs and wants.  The boat I missed is knowing that I have to love myself before anyone else can.

One of the things I like about this course is that it asks us to look at our deep beliefs, acknowledge where they came from but then, rather than wallowing in our issues, to simply touch a deeper truth and embody it.  So I don't have to dissect my childhood ... again! ... to find out exactly where my feelings of being unworthy and unlovable come from, I simply have to accept the greater truth that we are all one and all deeply loved and supported.

All my life I've wanted a rescuer, someone who would see through my carefully constructed mask of strength and independence and love the fearful, unworthy, unlovable person in hiding, someone who would see the needs that I've buried and forgotten that I even have.   Last night, they made it perfectly clear:  It is not going to happen!  My only rescuer is myself and until I can love and commit to myself, I'm not ready to be in a committed relationship with someone else.  But, once I have become my authentic self and committed completely to developing my full potential, then I will attract true love into my life.

It reminds me so much of the beautiful writing by Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?"
Actually, who are you not to be?...
As we let our light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fears, our presence automatically liberates others."
 -- Marianne Williamson, "A Return to Love"

About the image:  This is my little first-gallery-showing niche in The Artist's Niche in Nederland, CO.  One step on the journey to being my authentic self and honoring my own wants and needs.