Where Have You Been?

One of my blog sisters asked me where I've been since I haven't posted for a few days and it triggered the refrain from a long ago poem ...

"Where have you been?
Did you get lost again?

Did I get lost again? I've been so busy trying to find myself, could it possibly be that I got lost again? I've been reading, studying, doing art, checking off boxes on my "to do" list ... I've been BUSY! And, how I love being busy. Too busy to just sit and listen to that small, inner voice. Too busy to let uncertainties and doubts have their say. Too busy to risk the return of fear and loneliness.

I want to turn my face to the sun and stride forward in a straight line stretching all the way to the horizon. But, that small voice keeps murmuring, wanting to be heard, wanting to tell me things I might not want to hear. It's easy to not listen. It's easy to say "later." It's easy to know I should listen and even easier to find justifications for "not now."

Memo to little voice: I am now in charge and you will remain quietly in the background. Take a nap, go for a walk, have a nice life. Tap me on the shoulder if you have something pleasant to share, otherwise please keep your thoughts to yourself.

Irritating response: Isn't that what you've been saying to me all your life? How well has it worked for you?

Rebuttal: Look, I'm supposed to be entering Dragon Country. I need to be fearless and strong. How can I make progress with you nattering on about how I'm really feeling?

LV: So it would be better to enter that unknown territory armed only with your false feelings and thoughts?

Me, the solid, real me that people can see: There you go, just like I knew you would, trying to trick me into listening to you. I know what I need to do, who I need to be, how to act fearless until it's real, or at least seems real. Listening to you could make me crazy, leave me vulnerable and defenseless, cracked open like an egg dropped on a concrete floor.

LV: How little you know how safe you are. Let me tell you how loved you are. Listen to me just a little ... just a little ... let me take your hand and help you find your way.

Silence ... ... ... ...


Red Leaf on a White Pickup

Red leaf sitting on a white pickup
Shouting, "Look at me!
It's fall and you haven't yet seen
The colors of the trees.

"You haven't felt the soft November air
Or the electric shock of orange persimmon
Against crystalline blue sky,
Or heard the stir of red leaves not yet gone dry.

"Where have you been?
Did you get lost again?

"Did you get lost in the thick woods of work and worry?
Did you forget to inhale the last breath of this year's roses
Offering their pink and white ecstasy to the morning sun?
Or let the dancing yellow-green light beams go unsung?

"When was the last time you strayed off the world's highway,
Beckoned by the invitation of an unknown path
Fringed with weeds and grasses heavy with seeds?
Or listened with compassion to the stories of a gurgling stream?

"Where have you been?
Did you get lost again?

"Did you forget the haunting smell of crushed eucalyptus?
The lemon-yellow explosion of a liquid amber tree?
The feel of a cool breeze breathing on sun-warmed skin?
The peaceful sound of Sunday before the day begins?

"Where have you been?
Did you get lost again?"